Be Brave.

At 2:03 am this morning, I tweeted:

"Fudge. I blew it. Bye bye #pullfree bracelet.
More details tomorrow on LastLash. #trichotillomania"

 I think that's all I need to say to tell you how I was feeling at that point in time.

First of all, I'm not even sure why I was awake at 2 in the morning.

Actually... yes I am. I was researching outfits for a blog post.

What an idiot I am.

I ended up driving home from Daniel's house at midnight.

When I arrived home I jumped into bed with the intention of browsing the internet for just a bit 

before turning off my light.

I ended up spending longer than I thought online,

and eventually my hands wandered up to my eyes.

I knew I should have put them down immediately.

I knew I shouldn't have touched my eyelashes.

I knew what could happen as soon as I started my gentle tugging.

And then it did.

I pulled out a single eyelash. 
I didn't even intend on doing it.
And that eyelash had done nothing to bug me or to trigger the pulling.

The first thought that went through my head?

Fudge.

No, not the chocolatey, delicious kind. The kind that I say because I don't swear.

The second thought that went through my head?

I'm going to pretend like it didn't happen.

I truly, honestly wanted to pretend like it was a fluke and brush it off.

I wasn't going to tell anyone.

I was going to lie to myself. And to you.

And then my conscious stepped in and said,

"No way, Josè. You HAVE to talk about this. You have integrity. Prove it."

So I took photos.

And I told myself I would tell you how I messed up this morning.

So that's what I'm doing.

I took all the beads off my bracelet and put them back in their jar.

WHEN I go pull-free today, I'll start my bracelet again.

See, it's just one eyelash.

It's not the end of the world.

Like-- I'm still alive, with a family that cares about me, with money in my bank account, 

and an incredible group of readers who support me through each and every step.

It's kind of funny.

Yesterday, while shopping at Target, I bought this bracelet.

It's leather with a sterling silver piece that says "Love Life" on the front and "Be Brave" on the back.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I bought that bracelet yesterday.

Something (or someone) was telling me to buy it.

That I was going to need it.

So last night, I looked at that little bracelet,

said a little prayer,

and did what anyone with trichotillomania who broke an 11-day streak would do;

I cried myself to sleep.

This morning when I woke up,
I told myself it's a new day.
I began blogging to you.
To show you I'm not perfect.
I'm not 100% in control of my trichotillomania.
I still get urges.
And I still mess up.
But I'm strong.
I'm brave.
I'm beautiful no matter what.

And I'm currently listening to Bob Marley,
and doing what I should be doing.
LOVING LIFE.